By Kylie Cornock
One day recently, I was gaining a perverse satisfaction from engaging in drama and hostility. The long gravel driveway on our acreage property is flood damaged, exposing loose rock and holes. Driving along it threatens your car’s condition and risks worsening the damage to the driveway. I like to consider each walk to the mailbox as training for my debut at the downhill ski event for the next winter Olympics. My aerodynamics aren’t quite polished yet, as evidenced by my regular backward propeller arms, but I’m confident that my daily training will hone my skills for the future, so long as I don’t fall and break an ankle in the meantime.
On this day, I was in a right filthy mood, huffing and silently cursing my husband (mmm, was it silent? I don’t remember. Maybe he heard me. Maybe my neighbours heard me. The dog may have blushed. Whatever). On this day, my patience was thin. My mind was whirring with all manner of “angry wife” frustrations: why must I tolerate this annoying, potentially dangerous and downright embarrassing driveway situation? Talking of “situations”, what about the other things he was meant to deal with, like the shed and the steps, that irritating issue with my car and WHY CAN HE NOT JUST BE LIKE A NORMAL HUSBAND AND GET STUFF FIXED?! GRRR!! Then, right amongst my swearing and anger and crazed ball of everything I never wanted to become, I saw this at my feet:
On this day, I was in a right filthy mood, huffing and silently cursing my husband (mmm, was it silent? I don’t remember. Maybe he heard me. Maybe my neighbours heard me. The dog may have blushed. Whatever). On this day, my patience was thin. My mind was whirring with all manner of “angry wife” frustrations: why must I tolerate this annoying, potentially dangerous and downright embarrassing driveway situation? Talking of “situations”, what about the other things he was meant to deal with, like the shed and the steps, that irritating issue with my car and WHY CAN HE NOT JUST BE LIKE A NORMAL HUSBAND AND GET STUFF FIXED?! GRRR!! Then, right amongst my swearing and anger and crazed ball of everything I never wanted to become, I saw this at my feet:
I stopped. I stood still for a moment. Big exhale. I laughed at my ridiculous self, grabbed my phone out of my back pocket and snapped the photo. All of my knee jerk monkey brain anger that wouldn’t shut up, did shut up. The image of this heart shaped rock softened all of my angst. I knew right then that my mood did not warrant the foot stomping and profanity laced tantrum that I had allowed to overwhelm me. At that very moment, while my minimal problems were being blown way out of proportion, so many people in my life were experiencing real life-altering problems. Profound grief, relationship breakdowns, life threatening illness, pain and fear were happening to people I love. So, how dare I?
How. Very. Dare. I?
That funny little rock, exposed in the dirt from the rain that caused the damage that was seemingly so life shattering for me, jolted me into a renewed awareness of the moment. I knew right then that there was nowhere I’d rather be. My life is brimming with the pleasures of love, friendship, convenience, and safety. Pleasures that many, many people do not enjoy and it is not lost on me that any one (or all!) of these could be gone in an instant.
It takes constant mental/emotional adjustment to realign with the feelings of gratitude, contentment, thrill, and awe of the profound gorgeousness of my life. Sometimes, several days go by without me remembering that I am among the most fortunate people on earth to have a home, great health, loving people, and abundant food at my disposal.
You will experience painful things. I will experience painful things. Our loved ones will too and we will feel lost, frustrated, and useless because we can’t fix it for them. Cute love hearts and inspirational quotes won’t magically place life back where we would prefer it to be during times of darkness but I’ve learnt that reaching for the little things that bring us pleasure, comfort, and perspective when everything feels wrong can be a very powerful anchor. Discovering hearts in nature is something that I always take as a gentle reminder to consider what my overall attitude and viewpoint is looking like in that very moment. We can’t control everything, but I am learning that irritations that escalate and create angst for me and those around me are very much within my control. In the day to day business of being a person, raw emotions certainly have a valuable place but if I’m really honest with myself, I can see that, while the heightened and melodramatic behaviour that I display sometimes might deliver a degree of satisfaction, the real contentment and restoration comes from patience and tenderness – both with ourselves and others.
How. Very. Dare. I?
That funny little rock, exposed in the dirt from the rain that caused the damage that was seemingly so life shattering for me, jolted me into a renewed awareness of the moment. I knew right then that there was nowhere I’d rather be. My life is brimming with the pleasures of love, friendship, convenience, and safety. Pleasures that many, many people do not enjoy and it is not lost on me that any one (or all!) of these could be gone in an instant.
It takes constant mental/emotional adjustment to realign with the feelings of gratitude, contentment, thrill, and awe of the profound gorgeousness of my life. Sometimes, several days go by without me remembering that I am among the most fortunate people on earth to have a home, great health, loving people, and abundant food at my disposal.
You will experience painful things. I will experience painful things. Our loved ones will too and we will feel lost, frustrated, and useless because we can’t fix it for them. Cute love hearts and inspirational quotes won’t magically place life back where we would prefer it to be during times of darkness but I’ve learnt that reaching for the little things that bring us pleasure, comfort, and perspective when everything feels wrong can be a very powerful anchor. Discovering hearts in nature is something that I always take as a gentle reminder to consider what my overall attitude and viewpoint is looking like in that very moment. We can’t control everything, but I am learning that irritations that escalate and create angst for me and those around me are very much within my control. In the day to day business of being a person, raw emotions certainly have a valuable place but if I’m really honest with myself, I can see that, while the heightened and melodramatic behaviour that I display sometimes might deliver a degree of satisfaction, the real contentment and restoration comes from patience and tenderness – both with ourselves and others.
Kylie Cornock is the editor of Upbeat Downstream Magazine and a completely magical, utterly lovely human being. Find out more about her amazing projects (and how you can join in!) at www.upbeatdownstream.com.